12 April 2011 journal entry

Sometimes I lie awake and I just wonder. I wonder how things have changed already, and how they are destined to change much more. Who knows what will happen to me next year? Things that happened last year are stupid little things in the past, and the future is only a hazy fog in the distance. I like to think that I know what is going to happen to me in my future, but, truth be told, I have no idea. I don’t know when I will finally get a first kiss, I have no idea when I will lose my virginity, I have no idea whether I will get pregnant at a good time or a bad time. I don’t know if I will ever be so drunk that I pass out, and I have no clue whether I will have good enough friends that will not exploit me while I am higher than the sky. I like to think that I will make good choices, and I think I will. But there is no way of knowing. There is no way of knowing who likes me at this moment, or who is thinking about me before they go to bed. I don’t know if the person I like will ever like me back, and I have no idea what goes on in people’s minds. I like to think that people think a lot like me, and I use my experiences in their places so that things they do will make sense to me. And that’s one of my biggest problems. I put words in other people’s mouths, and I put thoughts into other people’s heads. And I wish I didn’t. it just comes naturally to me. And I wish I could stop. But I suppose I will have to work on it.

Sometimes, I wish I were better at going after what I want. I have never been a very aggressive person. I hate fighting, and i am not aggressive enough in my swims, etc. I don’t know what makes me tick, and even if I figure it out, I can’t just summon that feeling when I need it. it just comes sometimes. In waves, whatever. All I know is that the best feeling in the world happened to me last year, at long course practice. I was swimming a set that was particularly difficult, but it was going really well for me. And things just so happened that I was the only one left in my group who was still going in this set, and even though I had the opportunity to stop, I didn’t. I went through another round, and I made it, and it was the most fabulous feeling I have ever had. That feeling, that people were proud of me, were surprised at all of the things I could do, that was an incredible feeling that I would not trade the world for. And I had some sort of drive, and aggression that day, and I don’t know why, and I don’t know how to get it back. And I really wish I did, because there really are not enough moments like that in my life. I feel like I need some more incredible moments to balance the ones in which I am sobbing because I feel like everything is crashing down on me when I have no courage to push against it and pick myself back up. And it seems like things are just getting harder, and I am losing that drive even more. I really hate the things that are taking over my life. The internet, and all that comes with it. it controls my life. Just look at me now. Writing at 10:47, wasting sleep time I was crying about not having this time a year ago. But I have changed. Because last year I didn’t do nearly this much writing. And last year I did not think about my future, or what I wanted to do. I actually have to thank the internet, because it is showing me things about myself that even I didn’t know. My writing has gotten so much better, which is great. (though I do owe some of the credit to my English teacher). I am writing all kinds of different things, and just looking back at the language I am finding myself using, such as the language in this very passage, it takes nothing. It just flows out of my brain and onto the keyboard. And I never want to stop writing. Like now. I don’t want to stop. But I suppose I should, seeing as it is almost eleven. So, to end this diary entry thing, I am changing, but learning much more about myself along the way.