12 August 2014 nonfiction, "8.12.14"

I think the scariest part is learning that the world is a lot bigger than you thought.

and it’s not big in the same way you always believed because I don’t know what they’ve told you so far but the world isn’t made up of countries or even of one big ocean.

we are all made up of this small empty space and as time goes on we learn to fill it with glances and softspoken words and ideas of the future

and one day someday becomes tomorrow and the buildup is the worst part.

I don’t know if I know anything about love but I do know this:

you spend your entire life believing you can never love someone else the way you love (insert mom/dad/sister/dog) and it’s true, you can’t.

but the way you get tricked is when you believe that you know what love is

it’s beautiful but it’s every minute fearful because you don’t know how you will cope if it all comes to loss

(which it will)

I used to think love was eating ice cream with my cousins in the summertime but all of a sudden I inherited new cousins

and associating myself with the ones I believed to know so well became

difficult because we all change

it hurts but its true and I know we won’t be like this forever.

one day I will turn into my mother and I don’t know if it will just be her touch

or her words but

I can’t decide if I need to get away now to find myself

or lose myself.

I don’t know if I’m in love because love seems to be another one of those things where I take everyone’s advice like they’re a doctor and I need a prescription

but I know that I feel that familiarity of being terrified to lose

and that’s one of those things that scares me to my core.

because I don’t know whether I’m strong or not

and I just don’t want to find out.

What they forget to tell you about the world is that things travel through you like things travel through the ocean and nothing can make it through without leaving a mark.

I hope one day the sun wakes me up before anything else. And I hope that for a few minutes I have some clarity and I just hope to God that in the most confusing time I’ve ever been through in my life that I find the time to remember those others minutes when I was sure about where I needed to go.

I hope I swim with the thinnest current in the sea and I pray that it finally makes me happy.