13 August 2012 journal entry

I’m insecure. I feel like everything I say is questioned by everyone. I have my moments, where I feel like I am on top of the world, but those moments are usually the ones where I end up feeling like an insignificant little detail in a universe of creativity. The things I think are the stupidest things I say, those are the ones people laugh at. Those are the pictures people on tumblr want to reblog. Those are the statuses on facebook that many people like. and I guess that’s how life is, isn’t it? the things you least expect to happen are the things that probably will happen. The thing you said quietly to yourself, that you thought was just a simple statement, that was the one that made the person sitting next to you to laugh. But the thing that you cracked up about, possible the thing that you didn’t actually think was funny, that you said because you thought others would think it was funny, that is the one that no one laughs at. Things just happen, and you don’t even realize it. I used to think that all I could write was fiction. And fiction being stupid little stories that I was never able to finish. But that was the old me. The one who believed that middle school would never end, and I would never be popular. The one who thought that boys who talked to me didn’t talk to me because they simply wanted to talk to me, but they talked to me because they were insanely infatuated with me. I used to think that everyone had their place. And mine, well, mine was somewhere lost in the middle. I wasn’t the most popular girl in school, no, not by a long shot. But I wasn’t the weirdo everyone laughed at. People liked me, but I was too shy to go up to them, to say, “hey, I’m Emily, and I’m really cool, so you should get to know me.” Who knows if that would have made an impact. Who knows if I actually would have been popular. I just wish I had had the courage to speak my mind. There were so many instances and still are so many instances in which I could have said something, and I would have been correct, but I chose to keep quiet. People would have laughed along, because I am funny. People would have agreed with  me, because I am intelligent and observant. And people would have been surprised, because I am insightful. There is a lot more going on behind the scenes in me. I am a girl who loves to write, who loves to read, who loves to just sit and think about the glory and wonder of everything in the world. The earth, it has always been something that has fascinated and terrified me. I could spend hours on end just sitting in the shark exhibit in an aquarium, just sitting and watching the sharks swim and swim and swim around in circles that would make my head spin. But it would never get old. That shark whose teeth were growing so much that they were creating a row that was coming out of his mouth, that shark made me cringe but open my eyes a little wider and stare. That shark that had a different type of nose, that one was the one that made me sit and stare in wonder at the complexity and difference that every living creature is. Because everything is different. Some may argue that they are not special, but that is the biggest piece of garbage I have ever heard. Being special is not being completely and utterly different at something, or being perfect at one thing. No, being special is about being you. Because god is not limited in anything that he creates. He has a full stock of new ideas, and a full mindset to create as much as he likes. There are still things out there that humans have never seen, things beneath the depth of the ocean, underneath the ground, higher up in the sky than we have ever been. And that is incredible. I want to see it all, I want to experience it all. I want to open my mouth and taste the air, I want to be able to take someone by the hand and drag them through a meadow of flowers with me. I want to taste all kinds of different things. I want to smell salty air, and clean air, and even smoggy city air. I want to know what it feels like to live in the city, and on each coast, and in the middle of the country. I want to travel every country in the world. I want to see the slums of india, I want to see the richest places in paris and Italy. I want to scuba dive in the deepest part of the atlantic and pacific oceans, I want to learn to surf in Hawaii. I want to travel to the Maldives, to Greece, to Italy, to every country that I have ever heard of. I want to see every museum I can, even the stupid ones, like ones devoted to specific people like Jackie chan. I want to watch every movie ever made, and I want to read every book ever written. I want to write a book, and I want to have it published. I want to be interviewed on live television, and I want people to see my name and know exactly who I am. I want people to see me and say: hey, that girl is amazing. She is smart, talented, and she inspires me. I want to sign autographs, I want to be big. But at the same time, I want to stay small. I want to find the boy of my dreams, and marry the man I love. I want to carry a child, and I want to know what it feels like to have something living, breathing, and with a heartbeat inside me. I want to stay in Maryland. I want to be around all of the people I know and love, and I want to go into restaurants and have someone ask me if I have will be having the usual. I want to have a nice house, and a nice family, but not a perfect family. I want us to fight, and I want us to be honest. I want to have more than one child, but no more than three. I want to be able to relate to my kids, and I don’t want to end up as a parent who only wants time away from my children. I want my children to want to be with me, and I want to have Sunday night dinner conversations in which we discuss all of the things we disagree on. And I want my children and family to be happy. I want them to be proud of me, to say: hey, she has her life together, and I know that she is doing something right. I want to taste smell hear and see the entire world, I want to hold the universe in my hands and put it into my pocket to talk about later. And I want to have everything I could ever want in a happy family right here in my hometown. And I want to be able to do that, and I’m not sure if I will, or if I know how to. But I know I want lots of things, and these are only a few. That is my future. That is what I want it to be, but I don’t want it to be rushed. The worst thing in life is being rushed. I would like to take my time and enjoy this life so I can move happily into the next one. And maybe in that next one I will have all of the things that I missed in this one. And I will be happy, and I will smile, and I will have everything.