18 December 2011 journal entry

Sundays are thinking days. They’re the days when I can sit around and wonder about this thing called life. Is it really up to us? Is there really anything we can do to help ourselves? I think it’s all a game. After all, if I was God, sitting up in heaven all day faced with eternal perfection and loneliness, and I had the opportunity to create my own universe, I would do it. And if I could put down a bunch of creatures with minds smart enough to recognize perfection but not smart enough to achieve it, I suppose that would be beautifully entertaining. That is us, isn’t it? we’re humans. Eternally wondering and eternally wishing and eternally wandering around. We have no idea what’s going to happen next. We have no idea what really happened in the past, and, as much as we like to think, we have no idea how to control the world. We’re just a bunch of sims. And god is our master. Except we have free will. We don’t have to go outside in the garden and pull out the weeds. Or do we? If we don’t, the yard will look awful, and our neighbors will frown on us because we are supposed to be taking care of our garden, because it we don’t, then it will look the way it looks, and then the neighbors will be disappointed in us and so forth. I think God is beautiful, and life is beautiful, and everything around us, every single little thing is beautiful. But the human mind is imperfect. And that imperfection makes everything so hard, because we know we are imperfect, and we sense our own weaknesses, and we spend so much time striving to be perfect in order to fill that void that we forget sometimes, that it is impossible. We just can’t.

I’ve been wondering. I sat up on the counter in grammy and popops house today, and I pictured myself. With a boyfriend, and happy, and smiling, and having a first kiss. Which I still haven’t had. That has been my new years resolution since about the seventh grade, and I have yet to achieve it. and it isn’t fair, because I have no idea when I will achieve it. it’s just that sometimes, I lie awake, and I feel the tug of something on me, something that I want. I just want companionship, I want to have someone that I can tell them to shave off their beard or I wont kiss them, or I can call them in the middle of the night and we can talk all night, giggling, and trying out best not to wake our parents up. And I want to go on drives to places I have been a thousand times before, but that I have never really seen before, not in the way that I would be seeing them with him. It’s just not fair, because society tells us that girls are strong, and perfect, and beautiful. That we don’t need men, that we don’t need sex, that we don’t need any of it to make us who we are. And girls make statuses about these things too. But they know that in their hearts that these things aren’t true. They say to themselves that what they need is a boyfriend, that they want someone to be there for them, and then they get it, and they push it away. And its just so unfair because I never even get that. I’m not a slut, I don’t even go after what I want, because im deathly afraid. It’s terrifying, and im so focused on what people think. And its wrong, and I know it, but I cant control it, and now I am still boyfriendless. And now katleyn will have a boyfriend, and I like to think that she will help me, support me, be there for me, but I know she won’t. she doesn’t give two shits about me. she hates listening to my problems because they aren’t her own. She just doesn’t care. And it just sucks. The end.