19 October 2015 "During my Senior Week"

 At the beach after high school graduation,

I distinctly remember my feelings for

1.

He kissed me the first night,

assumed he was paving his way for sex

and I let him believe it.

I let him believe his tongue wasn’t

prying in areas of my mouth

where it did not belong

I let him believe I wanted him

the way he so clearly wanted me.

Drunk on the idea of him,

I created summer romance.

On top of the purple sheet

that covered the stained one beneath it, and

I couldn’t fathom the idea of us together

He stormed out when my hands were too still

left me a huff of cheap alcohol.

The next morning

that was all I could taste.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week later and

2 was possessive

yet I believed.

This one fooled me.

He kissed me kindly and

it didn’t seem to be about anyone else.

I lost my virginity on the

floor of a room with no furniture

save for a rocking chair in the corner.

I thought it was real because

we had been on the couch

barely able to keep our eyes

to ourselves. 

He had me embarrassing myself

when I assumed he would come back.

At least I wasn’t pregnant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 barely kissed me at all,

but I was willing and able

to jump through hoops for him.

I remember distinctly

in the hallway

just outside his bedroom door.

He had some excuse, but

leaned in and kissed me anyway

As a person who based her

sexual experience on Sarah Dessen

and Judy Blume novels,

I identified this as the moment

when I tipped over the edge.

Stuck in his words,

I forgot the times he killed me.

It took the realization that he was like

the dad I couldn’t talk to anymore

that I finally pushed him away.

He went willingly.