30 December 2012 fiction, "Wedding"

A breeze rustled the leaves, and I stared again at my feet. I was supposed to be inside right now, getting my hair done, chatting with my Caroline, my best friend, the one whom I was supposed to be a maid of honor to. Today was her day, and I was supposed to be inside, there to support her. Instead, I was outside, caught up in my own selfish thoughts. I sighed, trying to avoid the thought my brain kept returning to. But I soon realized that there was no way to avoid it. I loved him. The man whom my best friend was about to marry, I loved him. I always had, and I knew that I always would.

It wasn’t fair, really. The way she had acquired him. I had known him first. Well, I had kind of introduced them actually. Stupid on my part, but what could I do about it now? It didn’t matter. What had happened was in the past, and all of a sudden we were at her wedding. She had stolen the only person I had ever admitted to myself that I loved, and now I had to go inside and pretend like I was happy for her. “Congratulations on stealing my dreams!” I wished I could say. But that was cheesy, and I knew she had never known that she was stealing from me.

She loved me. And I loved her. We were best friends, and we had been since sixth grade. We had gone to the same high school, but different colleges. But our friendship didn’t crumble like some of my other ones. We still hung out over weekends, caught up, and we remained as close as sisters. We had always been willing to tell each other everything, and I knew all of her secrets.

But there was one important secret that I was keeping from her. That I loved her fiancé. And every time I saw the two of them together, I got a sharp pain in my chest. And I really never had gotten over the thing we had had in high school.

His name was Bennett. And we had met junior year. While Caroline was blowing me off to hang out with who she thought was the love of her life at the time, I had met Bennett. We had clicked immediately, with similar music and literature tastes, it didn’t take long for us to become great friends. Soon enough he asked me out. We dated for about fourteen months, just about to the end of my senior year in high school. It was the most amazing time of my life. I got to experience that teenage love, where there are incredible highs and devastating lows. I snuck out of my house many times to meet Bennett, and sometimes we just drove off and didn’t come back until the next morning, just early enough for me to sneak back into my room. We listened to the same music, we always had things to talk about, and the times were incredible. Sometimes I would go over his house, and we would just sit on his roof and look at the stars. I honestly can’t think of a time when I felt happier than I did whenever I was with Bennett.

But, like everything else in life, things changed. We changed. I told Bennett that I wasn’t interested in having a long distance relationship, and so I ended it before we went to college. He was devastated. He asked me to try and make it work with him, but I was too caught up in chasing my dreams. I had always wanted to fly. And just about two weeks before I broke up with Bennett I had gotten a scholarship to flight school. It was my dream come true. I wasn’t interested in being dragged down, so of course I seized the opportunity. I broke up with Bennett, I ran away, and I decided that flying, getting away, was the biggest priority in my life. Little did I realize that later I would find a new passion that would seize me.

I had never liked cooking. I just always ate what was put in front of me, because I knew I would never be able to make myself something better. But when my mom passed away in the middle of my second year of flight school, I knew that I could never leave my hometown like I planned to. Flying was just not an option anymore. My dad was all alone in that empty house, and he needed me. So I pulled myself out of flight school, and I moved back into my old house. Of course my mom had been the one to cook all of my father’s meals, so the man knew how to make a cheese sandwich and that was about it. He didn’t even know what kind of milk he was supposed to buy.

I began cooking simple things, such as spaghetti, soup, anything that I could easily figure out. But as time went on, I got more creative. I started making more homemade meals, and I got to know my way around a kitchen. The moment when I realized I loved cooking came when I made my own homemade lasagna. I made the sauce; I even made the noodles. The moment when I saw my cooking on the table, all put together and beautiful, I knew that I found a new passion.

It was around this time that I got back into contact with Bennett. He called me, asking if I was okay, reassuring me, telling me he was always there for me. He came to the viewing for my mom, and that was where he met Caroline for the first time. He had known about her in high school, but he really didn’t meet her until that day.

I remember sitting at my mom’s closed casket, watching the two of them. The way that she was so shy with him. She asked me if I minded if she left with him, to get a drink. I said I didn’t mind, that it would be good for me to get a little time to think.

I think the moment I remember most about that day was the feeling I got when I saw the two of them leave together. I felt my heart break in two. Tears wouldn’t even come; I had cried them all out at the viewing. I just closed my eyes and smiled, wondering how God could be so cruel to bring all of these things to me at once.

I had prayed every night that their relationship would fail. It wasn’t cruelty, I just couldn’t handle it. I was so sad all the time, and I had to constantly pretend that I was happy for them. But of course God wasn’t watching me. Or so I felt. I left religion for a while, and I even decided to enroll myself in culinary school. I hoped it would help me. And it did, for a while. I graduated with flying colors, and even got a job in a local restaurant. Things were actually looking up for me when I got the position of head cook.

However, this joy soon died when two weeks later I found out that Caroline and Bennett were engaged. She told me, and the little piece of me that had been hoping for a breakup died. I pasted a smile, laughed when she told me how nervous he had been proposing to her, and took a suitable time admiring her ring. But when I got home, I cried for three hours. I wondered how I could go on, knowing that the only guy I had ever loved, now loved someone else.

And now I was here, at their wedding. Wondering how I was supposed to keep this act up the entire night.

I wiped the tears that had snuck their way out of my eyes and onto my face, and I sniffed. I knew I probably looked a wreck, but I tried to make myself as presentable as possible before going in to check on Caroline. When I walked into the room where she was getting dressed, she turned around and smiled.

“I was wondering where you were!” she said.

I just smiled. “I’m here now, that’s what matters.” I said quietly. She smiled, and I took in how beautiful she looked. She really was gorgeous. She had always been the prettier one. The one people noticed first. I was just plain. I had pretty looks, but nothing compared to Caroline. And today she looked more beautiful than ever. And more than that, she looked happy. Genuinely happy.

 And it was in this moment that I realized I would have to suck up my feelings. For her. I could never take Bennett away from her. I had been given my chance with him, and I blew it. To take him now would be cruel and unfair. So I smiled too, trying to channel all of her happiness.

The ceremony was beautiful. They had written their own vows, and it hurt to hear them. The entire time I saw the way Caroline looked at Bennett, and that’s when I really vowed to put my feelings last. This was for her, she deserved it. Bennett and I had been broken up when they had met, and it was my own fault for letting him go.

After the ceremony Caroline and Bennett headed out to get ready for the reception together. Pictures of everyone had already been taken, and I was grateful for this, because the ceremony had been rough. I headed back to my own hotel room, and when I got there I locked the door, closed the curtains, and flopped down on the bed. I closed my eyes, not really sure what I was supposed to do next. I had about an hour and a fifteen minutes until I would have to leave and head to the reception.

I knew that watching TV would only make me feel worse, but I was more terrified of being left alone with my mind than anything, so I tried turning it on. After about twenty minutes I turned it right back off. When I’m upset, listening to other people’s problems and how easy it is to solve them only makes me feel worse.  

So I paced the room. And while pacing a wave of dread suddenly washed over me. It was final. They were married. Bennett was gone forever. Maybe he wouldn’t be married to Caroline for the rest of his life, but I knew that he was completely gone from my life. I could never go near him. It would break Caroline’s heart. And she was my best friend, had always been there for me. How could I ever do something so selfish and awful? I never could. Bennett was gone.

This realization forced me to sit down and put my head between my knees. I guess I had been in denial the entire ceremony, calming myself, telling myself that there would be time later, that I would have Bennett later. But this was completely untrue. I had him once, and I would never have him again.

I finally stood up, realizing that I could not stand to be in this hotel room anymore. It was forcing me into thinking about sensitive things; things I knew could crush my heart if I let them.

I put my heels back on, grabbed my purse, and, glancing at the clock, realized that I had about forty minutes to take a walk before I had to be at the reception. In a sudden decision, I realized that I would walk to the reception. It wasn’t far, only about a five minute drive. So I figured it would be about a twenty minute walk.

Upon arriving there with about twenty-three minutes to spare, I realized that all of a sudden I had nothing to do. The reception was being held at a beautiful location, at a place called Grey Sky Gardens. There was a large field with a fountain in the middle, beautiful green grass, and tiny paths winding through fantastic little gardens, each one a little different than the last. Looking at all of the nature before me, I knew that walking here so early had been the right choice. Everything was pretty much set up, the dance floor, the tents, the tables, the stage where the band would play.

I decided to take a little walk through the gardens. Maybe the beauty of the flowers in bloom would be enough to get my mind off of what I was about to witness in the reception. The heartwarming father/daughter dance. The bride and groom’s heart shattering first dance. The first piece of cake the bride and groom would enjoy together. And of course, the worst moment of all. The moment when the two of them would get into the limo, off to enjoy a vacation filled with romance, and sex, and pictures that would last a lifetime. The pictures that would seal the deal, would make me sure that Caroline was living my dream.

Tears began to form in my eyes, and I walked a little faster, as if pushing my already sore feet into propelling forward would help me to escape from my thoughts. It was when I was about halfway into the garden that seemed more like a maze that the tears started to really come. They slid silently down my cheeks, and I could feel my mascara staining my face a discouraging shade of black. I put my face in my hands, and let the tears run rampant. It was true. This day, this was the day when my best friend was smiling until her beautiful teeth chipped and her porcelain cheeks hurt, and I knew that it was the very worst day of my life.

It was the day when my life ended. Bennett wasn’t mine anymore. Bennett, my Bennett, the boy I thought I had been in love with, who, no, who I had been and still was in love with, he was not ever going to be mine again. Not only that, but he was now my best friend’s. So I would have to see him all the time. And I would have to pretend that I was insanely happy, when I knew that I never would be. I would not be insanely happy, no, but I would be insane.

I think I was about ten minutes into my pity party when I felt the presence of another person. I closed my eyes, sniffed, and looked up. And lo and behold, there he was. Bennett. I blinked a few times, and silently cursed the universe for being so cruel to me.

After a few tense seconds, I wiped my eyes and smiled. “Hey Bennett.”

He smiled.

“Where’s Caroline?” I asked sweetly.

“She’s inside. I felt done with pictures, I told her that I needed a little break. That I was going for a walk.” He said these words with no emotion, and never took his eyes off of me.

“Why are you really out here?” I asked after a few more seconds.

Bennett closed his eyes and sighed. “Can I sit down?” he asked quietly.

I nodded, and scooted over on the bench a little so he could fit. I bit my lip, afraid of what he was about to say.

Bennett sighed again. “Are, are we….okay?” he asked.

“I don’t know what you mean.” I mumbled, looking at the ground.

“Look Kendy—er, Kendall.” I pushed back a wave of tears at hearing his nickname for me.

“Kendall. We can’t pretend like everything that happened between us just…disappeared. I loved you, hell, I thought it was going to be you walking down the aisle. And if we can agree to be totally honest, yes, today I did think about you. I thought about everything that we had and I pictured my life and how it would be different if it had been you walking down the aisle today. I love Caroline, and I’m glad I met her, but I can’t lie to you and say that I’ve stopped thinking of you since the day you told me it was over.”

I stared at the ground, letting the weight of the words crash over me. Finally, I looked up, and stared directly into Bennett’s eyes. He stared back into mine.

A tear spilled down my face, and Bennett brushed it away. I melted at his touch. But as his hand awkwardly fell back to his side, something in me came back to where I was. And I don’t know how I got the words out, but I did. “Bennett, she’s my best friend. How could you marry her and treat me like I need to forget you and then have the audacity to come to me after your ceremony and tell me all these things? You have no idea how many tears I’ve cried over you. And I can’t believe you think coming back here and telling me you’ve thought of me, you thought of me during your wedding ceremony when your day was supposed to be about you and Caroline.”

More tears started to spill out my eyes, but I didn’t care about hiding them anymore.

“I loved you. I still love you! And I hate myself for that. I beat myself up every day because you’re not mine anymore, and I can’t seem to find the reason I still can’t get you out of my head. And I could never, ever take you away from Caroline. That’s wrong and I can’t bring myself to do it.”

Bennett smiled wistfully. “The way she took me away from you?”

“That’s not fair and you know it.”

“I do know it. But I also know that she knew about our past, and if she was half as good a friend as you, she would have dropped me back into your lap by now.”

I sniffed, anger welling up inside to fill the place where the fallen tears had occupied.

“You are such a prick.”

“I know.”

“Why did you marry her then? If you were just going to come here to break my heart I could have told you that happened the minute you walked out of the funeral parlor with her while I waited to hear what was going to happen to my dead mother. I could have saved you plenty of time, and that way you never would have had to come out to this stupid beautiful garden, leaving my beautiful best friend inside where she’s questioning your reasoning for leaving her on the happiest day of both of your lives. Hurt me as much as you want, but don’t you dare hurt her.”

Bennett stared at me. Then, without warning, he leaned right in and kissed me. Softly, gently, just as I had remembered he always had, and I’d be a fool if I said it didn’t set off fireworks in my head. I closed my eyes and tried to live in this moment, save it in my head so I could come back to it in all the days I felt lonely and down. When he pulled away, we both had tears streaming down our cheeks.

“You asshole.” I whispered breathlessly.

“I love you Kendy. I always did, and I always will.”

“You’re despicable.”

“I love you.”

“Get away from me.”

“Okay. But I love you. I just wanted you to know that. I love you, and I love Caroline too.”

“Goodbye Bennett.”

It killed me to see him walk away again, and so I stared at the ground, trying my best to hold back the sobs. Things were getting really disgustingly hard to deal with, and for a minute, I was honestly considering faking sick so I didn’t have to go inside and deal with everything.

But somehow I found an inner strength that reminded me how to suck it up and forget about my feelings. Crush them.

Numbness. That is what I used to walk back inside and smile, and hug my best friend, and clap as she fed him a piece of her beautiful wedding cake, and laugh when she threw the bouquet and I tried my best to avoid it. I remember all of the things that happened that night, but I don’t remember feeling anything. I remember what it felt like to push the corners of my mouth up, I remember how easy it was to laugh because faking it had become part of my nature around Caroline and Bennett, but I don’t remember feeling happy, angry, or even sad.

It was easy to fall asleep that night. I don’t know why. I thank God that he granted me a night’s sleep without all the pain I deserved. I honestly wished that as I drifted off, I wouldn’t wake up. And when I did, I felt everything I hadn’t the previous night, and it hurt, but I pushed it back. For everyone’s sake.